*sigh

I lost the direction of life once more, the same thing was happening again. What I feel now is my meal of life is a plate of shit.

wushu performances

Last saturday, I went out to meet eileen, bing long, ah keong and meng yeow for the 8th national wushu display. I had been waiting for that day to come, to see with my very eye, the skills of the wudang and the shao lin fighters in action. We are seated at the first few rows, which means we got a very clear view of the performance. There are students from local schools, china coaches teaching in singapore, china nation team, our nation team, er mei, wudang and shao lin. You can say that all the good stuff are gathering at the stadium.

I shorten a bit, our national teams was under my expectation, I thought they are a lot better than what I think. China coaches and national are as usual, very good. Those moves are totally crazy and they can jump real high. Especially the guy wit hthe broad sword, it's so damn fast. That is the target of mine.

Then there is er mei, a bit out of my expectation, not as grand as I thought, but still good. The shao lin is just way too cool, they showed a lot of fists and moves, even the golden mask. That was totally out of a normal people's mind, real fantastic. Here comes the wudang, they got real heat packed in them. They can be fast and smooth at the same time in a fight. Also they got this formation, oh, it's 2 formations. From what I can see, the formation can be used in a real fight. All the fighters are very synchronised and know what to do in the formation.

The following day, I go out with bing long and keong for another wudang performance in istana park, which is the same thing as the previous day, yet still nice to watch it.

I got a numbers of video, I will upload it and then let you all take a look at it

After all the performances, I got motivated to train harder to reach taht kind of standard. Be it the modern wushu or the traditional, I want to excel in that.

Guilty

Just now was asked to go find my tkd coach, because today I was not there for the training, I didn't take up the class. At the same time, I kept pestering coach to let me go for the advance class training on friday. So coach called me down and had a talk with me, about what I want. They said that I didn't attend the training as usual as compared when I was a coloured belt, wondered will I also be like the past few black belts that suddenly disappear without trace. After hearing what they said, I got really guilty of what I did. It's true, I did have a thinking that I can slack a bit after I got my black belt. But in actual fact, I have to comit more to the class that I will be handling. From now on, I will focus on the classes more than ever and will hold on to it.

Some negative feeling

There are times where I feel like giving up a lot of things. Love, money, status, everything. Call it aftermath or whatever, ever since the incident with josphine, I had a lot lesser confident in myself. I always feel that I can't do things right and heaven are telling me the same thing, I cannot do things right. Let's make an example of today's incident. 2 of my actors cannot make it to the shooting, one of them left to malaysia without tell me so, that really pissed me off. There are more to come, I couldn't find the battery for the camera, it's either I left it in the IG room or I lost it, hindering my process of the shooting. This doesn't ends here, I asked 3 person to help me out beind the camera, but all 3 of them couldn't come. So because of the battery problem, I have to wait till next week before I can get to shoot the video. The problem with the shooting is that dialogue scene don't take too long, but it is the action scene that will take the longest time of the shooting.

That is just the video shooting, there is more. After so many days of training, I've yet to be able to do a kip up, which is you jump back to your feet when you are lying flat on the ground with your back. I got real pissed off, why couldn't I do it. I got the feeling that I am on the air and it's just to raise my upper body and I can complete the action, but I just fall back on the ground. That's real bullshit.

When talking about love, that is where I'm afraid of. I'm afraid another reason like "I just want to be friend" or "I treat you like a brother to me". I cannot take another impact like that, I really cannot take it anymore. Sometime I'm still wonder is there really such thing as love for me(I'm referring to BGR)? I really don't know, may be the heaven are telling me "ok, you shouldn't go into BGR because we don't want you to." If that is the case, please let me born an idiot or something that will make me don't have any feeling. I don't want to go through the same hurtful words again and again, I cannot take it anymore and any longer. I rather go to shaolin and train there, never come back to singapore anymore.

*sigh, hope everything will turns out ok.