Life

I'm wondering what is the purpose of my life? No, I don't mean th career aspect of my future, I roughly got the idea what I want as my career in the future. I'm referring about the love aspect of my life.

For 21years of my life, I never hold a girl's hand before, I never kiss a girl before, in fact, I never had a girlfriend before. I don't know what's wrong with me, I really want to know why my love aspect of my life sucks so bad?

May be in the past, I'm a nerd and home is the only place i will go to after school. May be it's because I don't have much friends. Or may be it's because my personality sucks? 

For so long, I don't have much friends, I don't have someone to share the burden with me nor I have someone that I can really rely on.

My love life had never been good before, I'm always so lonely. I know this might have been said for a lot of times before, but I just have to say it again and again. Do you guys know what is the feeling of going out alone? What is the feeling of walking the path of life alone? What is the feeling to do something you like such as watching a movie alone? What is the feeling of crying and laughing alone? It was so lonely, empty. The feeling of lonely got so strong that sometimes I felt that I was devour by this emotion called loneliness.

May be some people know the reasons of why I practice martial arts. I idolized ultraman and Donnie yen, I was afraid of being weak, but those are not the true reason. The true reason is that I want to fight of the feeling of loneliness. I thought I won't be so lonely if I devote myself into getting myself stronger and better in martial arts. But I was wrong, in fact, I felt even more lonely everytime I got stronger. There is no one there for me to fight for, no one to train to protect for. Sometimes I think through in my mind. What will I be even if I become the strongest martial artist in the world? I'm still a lonely asshole walking on this earth.

So it all boils down to a question, what do I want in my life? love or a lonely martial artist? I don't know, I got too deep into martial arts now, it's impossible for me to quit. But do I want to sacrifice my love life for that? I really don't know....

Wen Yu, until I met you, that was my mindset. Now, I got a reason to fight, I got a reason to train hard. It's because I want to protect you, I want you to feel secure. I'm not like the other guys out there who knows speak but knows no action. I love you, I wanted to be beside you. Can I do that?

No topic

I don't know, I've always wanted to tell you that how much I loved you, but didn't get the chance. I always wanted to go out with you, but never had the chance. Sometimes I wonder why am I always so busy about? It's not like I got a family to raise, I'm just single. In short, I want to say that I love you a lot, I really love you, can you accept me?

Mask

A lot of the times, people wear mask to fit into a specify clique that they want to stick with. Some times people don't wear mask. The irony fact is that people can accept people that wear mask but not those that do not wear mask. It is true that people who don't wear mask are more reliable, but they are only disposable tools for those that wear mask. Those who don't wear mask are normally loner. They are pure at heart, but people don't accept them nor be friends with them, resulting them to drown in their own sorrow alone.

Sigh

Today is another day that I can't chat with you, that really made me pissed off at myself. Why am I so useless? I love you, but I never once said it to you. Sometimes when I want to tell you, things happen. It has been one year, throughout this one year, I realised that I still love you even though you sort of cheated me before. Even my friends said that I'm stupid to still loving you after all these and after one year. But what to do? You are my only love, no other people.

What should I do?

I got this mixed feeling, good and bad feeling. Couple of days ago, I dreamed about her, I remembered that dream very clearly. She finally said "yes", me and her finally got together as a couple. Not only that, I remembered that she kept repeating that she loves me, about 3 times. After that, I woke up. The moment I woke up, I was already in deep thinking mode. I scared it might be a premonition about bad stuff, but I also heard that dreams is a premonition about what's going to happen. I don't know, I really don't know. One thing's for sure, I really loves her, I really do. I never once love a girl so deeply, so deep that I don't put other girls in my mind nor my eye. She's the only one that gave me such strong feeling. I wanted to love her as much as infinite, I wanted to protect her from every harmful stuff. But, does she loves me too?

hm..

I felt happy just talking to you, I smile just by looking at you. Can we really become a pair?

New year

Today marks the first day of 2010 and the first hour of 2010. For my first post of 2010, I will put down my new year resolution, this year, it would be a shorter one.

new year resolution 2010:
1) Be with you and love you forever.
2) Train even harder in martial arts and hopefully will become stronger than who I am now.(in terms of practical fights)
3)Get into NTU.
4) Stay healthy
5) Loving you.