Just came back from work and was very tiring, should I say fatigue? I work as a hawker for my father, every time after working hours, I also still filled with energy. But today is so tiring, I almost fall asleep WHILE working, so dangerous. It's not because of the working load, but due to my training for 2 weeks. I almost went for personal tkd training every morning, except for tuesday and thursday due to got test, yet that 2 days got badminton training. Still ok, since I wasn't the school team, so I can slack a little. But I train myself so harshly, I rarely got time to rest and today, the fatigue took place. All I want is to be stronger and I wore myself out, may be I should rest a little.
I got another theory, may be my soul want to seek a rest from loneliness, but my fate doesn't give that. I was so tired of lonely, I want to get out of it, finding my lover. I wonder what wrong I did to suffer from this? Why must I suffer the loneliness for so long? I tried to fight it and I was beaten so many times that I surrender to it. Friends, girlfriend, love, this is what I want. Is that so hard for god to give me these? God, you did gave me 2 good friend, I thank you for that. But what about my girlfriend? Why must I suffer everytime of wooing girls? All my classmates almost got their lover and was full, so loving and all. But why not me? Please, someone please get my out of the lonely abyss
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Chage to blog spot
I change to blogspot since it looks nicer, I will repost the lastest few post.
2days ago, I got another sparring in taekwondo. Like what I posted last week, I spar with a black belt(bb) last week and ended up in a draw, while he didn't show full might. Of course in my sense, I lost the sparring, thus I went through harsher training, to get stronger. After a whole week of training, I did get stronger, I guess..then the training that day got another sparring. Again, I help the junior while looking for an opponent, then this senior bb which I knows quite well asked me: "have you sparred?" "no." I replied. Then he asked: "I let you choose, him? him? or me?" I was like "WHAT THE FUCK!?" All bb, I'm just a yellow tip, have mercy. I just laugh my way through. Again, at the last sparring, it was me and a bb, the same guy I fought last week. Samething of what the senior bb told him and all, he follow a little, still kick me once in a while, no full might, same as last week. But this time, I'm more aggresive and took the intiative to attack, after 3 rounds, standard time, I WON!!! Ok, I know winning a bb who is not showing full might isn't that honourable, but in the same situation like last week, I only manage to draw. This time, I won!!! I was so happy, everyone is looking at both of us fighting. But oh oh, not so fast, things alway go worsen, I got to fight for another opponent, and this time...Yep, you got it, ANOTHER BB!!! WHAT THE FUCK!? Never mind, this time, I draw again. But I wasn't really depress like last week, because my sparring was recommended to the whole class. You see, I'm just a yellow tip and there are a lot of other students with higher belt level than me, yet none of them was recommended but mine, it was so honourable. The senior bb I know told me that my sparring was good, train more. I will, I will get stronger and beat a blue belt while I was lower belt level than him/her. Yet the winning comes with a price, I got muscle pain for few days. Well, at least I was stronger already, train more!!!
These few days, I didn't talk much, the training left me with fatigue. I don't even have the energy to play or talk a lot. I recently just got more collection of my ultraman figure, I got 2 large and 6 small one. It definitly worth because they are the 40th aniversary stuff, not obtainable in singapore. I starting to feel that I wasn't very bond into the class, may be it was imagination, but ever since the BBQ I missed, I couldn't bond into the class although my class shows nothing of discriminating me at all. *sigh* Dear, you know how much I missed you? I want to find time with you, but you still don't accept me. I love you more than anything else and I mean my words, please don't push me away. All I want to say is, I love you...
Yesterday I went out ALONE to get something, something for training. I just notice something, or should I say I know it but don't want to know it too, I'm always alone when outing. No matter who I asked, no one show up, because I asked shun hui out and he turn out to go out with his father when I went to meet him. Never mind, back to topic. I went to kallang to find a sport shop that got all kinds of martial arts equipment and all, I spent for 20 min to find the shop, finally found it. Choosing the equipment I want and was deciding ot pay, then I checked my wallet, oh oh, I got not enough cash. I walked out and try to find the ATM, spent another 20+ min to find an ATM, took the money and went back to the shop. Chose a hardtarget, a handmit. I tell you something, I bought one handmit from my tkd(taekwondo) coach and cost $25, I bought for $20, same brand. Never mind about that any more, since I need 2 handmit to train on sparring on my own. The hardtarget cost $85, quite ok, since that other shop requires $100+. When I was at the counter, I saw this oak sword, yes, they sell weapons too. Those you can find in martial arts, of course it is wooden weapon. I bought this oak sword, used commonly in kendo. I used it to train some kendo and strengthening my arm, it is heavy and sturdy, not easy to swing. The pitcures below are me and the sword.
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z50/mebiusM78/Image290.jpg
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z50/mebiusM78/Image287.jpg
I simply love the sword, it's black and it is cool.
Last saturday, I happened to saw my vice principle from my previous. I was working on that day, but I went out to buy something in the free time and I saw her, she couldn't recognised me because of my hair, I supposed. I also too busy to chat with her so I just walked away.
I had been thinking a lot lately, especially when I went out for a walk or something. I walk in those shopping centres around, wondering around mindlessly. I was thinking of why am I always alone? Why every outing of mine ended up me walking alone? Am I destiny to be alone forever? I saw those couples and I can tell their age by looking of them, they are around my age and they already found their other part and are so loving. To tell the truth, I envy them, they are so loving and their other part always with them. On the other hand, I'm always alone and might be forever, no one walk beside me. Sharing her secret with me, sharing the joke with her, showering love to each other until we are drown in it. I was wondering that me training so hard to protect you going down in the drain? I love you, dear. Please except me.
*sigh, recently I suddenly feel that there is a change in me, I don't talk in class as much as what I did few months back, although I still don't talk much that time. I feel like I don't want to do any interaction with anyone, any class outing or what, I rejected. Although I did tried to interact with others, but I couldn't do that, I was like alone in almost anything now. The loneliness is not some other people can think of, it's like the whole world only left you and no other people. Most of my classmates attached, almost left me and one of other guy is still single. But that guy sooner or later will get a GF too, even my buddy, shun hui, almost going to have a girlfriend now. Seriously I thought of something, if god wants me to stay alone forever, accept the loneliness, I guess I have to accept the fate, may be I did something bad in my past life that cause me to stay single until now. Not that I'm being paranoid or what, its from my experiences. I failed 2 time wooing a girl, both spent years and the one now doesn't show any accepting of me. I guess that is really the fate of mine, loneliness.
I trained martial art for a main reason, which is to protect my love one. But god doesn't seems to see my intention, I really want to love someone which she would love me too. God, is that so hard for me to reach that objective? Is it my punishment or fate of being alone for such a long time? I lost many friends during my life, I sacrifice so much to interact with others and treat them well. But I don't see the fruit of my sacrifices. Please give me a chance to have that experience at least one time, then I will die in peace......
2days ago, I got another sparring in taekwondo. Like what I posted last week, I spar with a black belt(bb) last week and ended up in a draw, while he didn't show full might. Of course in my sense, I lost the sparring, thus I went through harsher training, to get stronger. After a whole week of training, I did get stronger, I guess..then the training that day got another sparring. Again, I help the junior while looking for an opponent, then this senior bb which I knows quite well asked me: "have you sparred?" "no." I replied. Then he asked: "I let you choose, him? him? or me?" I was like "WHAT THE FUCK!?" All bb, I'm just a yellow tip, have mercy. I just laugh my way through. Again, at the last sparring, it was me and a bb, the same guy I fought last week. Samething of what the senior bb told him and all, he follow a little, still kick me once in a while, no full might, same as last week. But this time, I'm more aggresive and took the intiative to attack, after 3 rounds, standard time, I WON!!! Ok, I know winning a bb who is not showing full might isn't that honourable, but in the same situation like last week, I only manage to draw. This time, I won!!! I was so happy, everyone is looking at both of us fighting. But oh oh, not so fast, things alway go worsen, I got to fight for another opponent, and this time...Yep, you got it, ANOTHER BB!!! WHAT THE FUCK!? Never mind, this time, I draw again. But I wasn't really depress like last week, because my sparring was recommended to the whole class. You see, I'm just a yellow tip and there are a lot of other students with higher belt level than me, yet none of them was recommended but mine, it was so honourable. The senior bb I know told me that my sparring was good, train more. I will, I will get stronger and beat a blue belt while I was lower belt level than him/her. Yet the winning comes with a price, I got muscle pain for few days. Well, at least I was stronger already, train more!!!
These few days, I didn't talk much, the training left me with fatigue. I don't even have the energy to play or talk a lot. I recently just got more collection of my ultraman figure, I got 2 large and 6 small one. It definitly worth because they are the 40th aniversary stuff, not obtainable in singapore. I starting to feel that I wasn't very bond into the class, may be it was imagination, but ever since the BBQ I missed, I couldn't bond into the class although my class shows nothing of discriminating me at all. *sigh* Dear, you know how much I missed you? I want to find time with you, but you still don't accept me. I love you more than anything else and I mean my words, please don't push me away. All I want to say is, I love you...
Yesterday I went out ALONE to get something, something for training. I just notice something, or should I say I know it but don't want to know it too, I'm always alone when outing. No matter who I asked, no one show up, because I asked shun hui out and he turn out to go out with his father when I went to meet him. Never mind, back to topic. I went to kallang to find a sport shop that got all kinds of martial arts equipment and all, I spent for 20 min to find the shop, finally found it. Choosing the equipment I want and was deciding ot pay, then I checked my wallet, oh oh, I got not enough cash. I walked out and try to find the ATM, spent another 20+ min to find an ATM, took the money and went back to the shop. Chose a hardtarget, a handmit. I tell you something, I bought one handmit from my tkd(taekwondo) coach and cost $25, I bought for $20, same brand. Never mind about that any more, since I need 2 handmit to train on sparring on my own. The hardtarget cost $85, quite ok, since that other shop requires $100+. When I was at the counter, I saw this oak sword, yes, they sell weapons too. Those you can find in martial arts, of course it is wooden weapon. I bought this oak sword, used commonly in kendo. I used it to train some kendo and strengthening my arm, it is heavy and sturdy, not easy to swing. The pitcures below are me and the sword.
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z50/mebiusM78/Image290.jpg
http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z50/mebiusM78/Image287.jpg
I simply love the sword, it's black and it is cool.
Last saturday, I happened to saw my vice principle from my previous. I was working on that day, but I went out to buy something in the free time and I saw her, she couldn't recognised me because of my hair, I supposed. I also too busy to chat with her so I just walked away.
I had been thinking a lot lately, especially when I went out for a walk or something. I walk in those shopping centres around, wondering around mindlessly. I was thinking of why am I always alone? Why every outing of mine ended up me walking alone? Am I destiny to be alone forever? I saw those couples and I can tell their age by looking of them, they are around my age and they already found their other part and are so loving. To tell the truth, I envy them, they are so loving and their other part always with them. On the other hand, I'm always alone and might be forever, no one walk beside me. Sharing her secret with me, sharing the joke with her, showering love to each other until we are drown in it. I was wondering that me training so hard to protect you going down in the drain? I love you, dear. Please except me.
*sigh, recently I suddenly feel that there is a change in me, I don't talk in class as much as what I did few months back, although I still don't talk much that time. I feel like I don't want to do any interaction with anyone, any class outing or what, I rejected. Although I did tried to interact with others, but I couldn't do that, I was like alone in almost anything now. The loneliness is not some other people can think of, it's like the whole world only left you and no other people. Most of my classmates attached, almost left me and one of other guy is still single. But that guy sooner or later will get a GF too, even my buddy, shun hui, almost going to have a girlfriend now. Seriously I thought of something, if god wants me to stay alone forever, accept the loneliness, I guess I have to accept the fate, may be I did something bad in my past life that cause me to stay single until now. Not that I'm being paranoid or what, its from my experiences. I failed 2 time wooing a girl, both spent years and the one now doesn't show any accepting of me. I guess that is really the fate of mine, loneliness.
I trained martial art for a main reason, which is to protect my love one. But god doesn't seems to see my intention, I really want to love someone which she would love me too. God, is that so hard for me to reach that objective? Is it my punishment or fate of being alone for such a long time? I lost many friends during my life, I sacrifice so much to interact with others and treat them well. But I don't see the fruit of my sacrifices. Please give me a chance to have that experience at least one time, then I will die in peace......
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