Surgery's over

Just had my surgery yesterday, now my right leg got this metal brace to support it. Can say that walking is impossible for me, how I wish I can walk again and then go back to train...

Depressed, depressed and more depressed

This is by far, my most depressed period in my entire life, it can be on par with the time when she said that to me 2 years ago. Every weekend when I booked out, I realised there are so many things to settle, there are so many more burden being put on my shoulder and many more problem arise once a problem was solved. What is happening to my life? I used to be in full control of my life, now my life being controlled by other people?

Ever since 26 of aug, my class faced the crisis of closing down, my right knee injury got worsen and I still can't walk properly for 1 month plus, possible starting of my career as a movie director blown, what else can there be to make my life worse? Oh, how about losing someone dear to you a week before? That's great...

Now, I spent my weekend dwelling in my own sorrow and depression. I need someone to bring me out of this abyss, I need something to help me solve all my problems, I need some methods to heal my leg. I don't ask for more, I just want my life to go back like what it used to be. I don't know if I can continue long enough or not.

Something inside me is changing, growing. I don't know what it is, but I can feel it and it's something negative. What is it......?

Going out

It has been couple of days since the last time we went out, to tell the truth, I am very happy with it. I mean really happy...

For so long, I had been wanting to go out with you, just you and me alone. I wished for it, but it never once came true until that day. We went out to watch movie, just you and me alone. Throughout the movie, I don't really think much about the movie but you. It is because I got out with you and I am really happy with it. After the movie, we head straight back home. I can be very sure that I sure bored you, I am very sure of it. But I did try my best to make sure that I can talk normally. I was so nervous and tried to talk to you until when we boarded the bus. I tried to make some joke, but can't think of any. Then I think you should get a relax, I showed you annoying orange and you laughed. Very true that I am even happier that you laughed and smiled, my heart was filled with relief and happiness when I see you no longer stressed.

Although this is the first time that we went out together, I am very happy. Really...

wooden dummy.

I feel that I need more to train, I think I'm getting myself a wooden dummy irregardless what my mother said. Nobody can stop my training.

I won't stop loving you

*sigh* my brothers had been telling me a lot of stuff, my own blood related brother, bing long, boss and bunny. All of them are telling me to let you go and to let myself go, given other people a chance to love me as a couple. They even go to the extend that you are a bad news for me, you are wasting my time and yadah yadah yadah.

To tell the truth, initially I did give this a thought, to give up on this relationship between you and me, look for a better girl. But I can't, because of one very simple reason, I love you too much to let you go. I don't know what happened to you in the past, but what I'm thinking now is to make the present and the future as happy as possible.

Before meeting you, my life had been colourless, I don't know how to smile and I don't know what is the meaning of being happy. But when you came into my life, everything changed. I smiled everytime when I see you, I found a meaning to live in this world, my life is no longer colourless, because you bring in colour to my life. No matter are you hurting me or not, I am loving you as always. Anytime and anywhere, you are in my mind...

Future venturing

I had been thinking a lot during the trip in Beijing, especially the last day of training. Why? Because I accidentally trigger the injury on my right leg. It's vey minor, but still induce pain for the next few days. Then I had been thinking, more on when I got back to Singapore. Do I want to sacrifice my leg to be a good performer instead to be a good fighter? I definitely learned some routines in wushu that allows me to find better, but strickly speaking on got shaolin staff and drunken fist. Drunken fist I speak alot of time to get it into a practical fighting system for me, but the rest are not. The broadsword are quite useless in a fight, it's not that you can't find broadsword anymore, but the moves inside is useless.

Wing chun is not wushu, it's kungfu. Wing chun is a very practical and stylish style of fighting system.

Summarizing what I know can be of practical fighting system, it's taekwondo, wing chun, drunken fist and shaolin staff.

So what about the future? What styles will I venture into? I had no idea, but I had a few in mind which I want to venture into. There are  'baguazhang(八卦掌)', judo(could be japanese or brazilian, depends), aikido or karate. The chances that are higher are baguazhang, judo or karate. I'll see what fate will bring me into. Oh yeah, forgot to say that shaolin style, I'm also interested in venturing into. Haha, ain't I a martial arts craze?

Life

I'm wondering what is the purpose of my life? No, I don't mean th career aspect of my future, I roughly got the idea what I want as my career in the future. I'm referring about the love aspect of my life.

For 21years of my life, I never hold a girl's hand before, I never kiss a girl before, in fact, I never had a girlfriend before. I don't know what's wrong with me, I really want to know why my love aspect of my life sucks so bad?

May be in the past, I'm a nerd and home is the only place i will go to after school. May be it's because I don't have much friends. Or may be it's because my personality sucks? 

For so long, I don't have much friends, I don't have someone to share the burden with me nor I have someone that I can really rely on.

My love life had never been good before, I'm always so lonely. I know this might have been said for a lot of times before, but I just have to say it again and again. Do you guys know what is the feeling of going out alone? What is the feeling of walking the path of life alone? What is the feeling to do something you like such as watching a movie alone? What is the feeling of crying and laughing alone? It was so lonely, empty. The feeling of lonely got so strong that sometimes I felt that I was devour by this emotion called loneliness.

May be some people know the reasons of why I practice martial arts. I idolized ultraman and Donnie yen, I was afraid of being weak, but those are not the true reason. The true reason is that I want to fight of the feeling of loneliness. I thought I won't be so lonely if I devote myself into getting myself stronger and better in martial arts. But I was wrong, in fact, I felt even more lonely everytime I got stronger. There is no one there for me to fight for, no one to train to protect for. Sometimes I think through in my mind. What will I be even if I become the strongest martial artist in the world? I'm still a lonely asshole walking on this earth.

So it all boils down to a question, what do I want in my life? love or a lonely martial artist? I don't know, I got too deep into martial arts now, it's impossible for me to quit. But do I want to sacrifice my love life for that? I really don't know....

Wen Yu, until I met you, that was my mindset. Now, I got a reason to fight, I got a reason to train hard. It's because I want to protect you, I want you to feel secure. I'm not like the other guys out there who knows speak but knows no action. I love you, I wanted to be beside you. Can I do that?

No topic

I don't know, I've always wanted to tell you that how much I loved you, but didn't get the chance. I always wanted to go out with you, but never had the chance. Sometimes I wonder why am I always so busy about? It's not like I got a family to raise, I'm just single. In short, I want to say that I love you a lot, I really love you, can you accept me?

Mask

A lot of the times, people wear mask to fit into a specify clique that they want to stick with. Some times people don't wear mask. The irony fact is that people can accept people that wear mask but not those that do not wear mask. It is true that people who don't wear mask are more reliable, but they are only disposable tools for those that wear mask. Those who don't wear mask are normally loner. They are pure at heart, but people don't accept them nor be friends with them, resulting them to drown in their own sorrow alone.

Sigh

Today is another day that I can't chat with you, that really made me pissed off at myself. Why am I so useless? I love you, but I never once said it to you. Sometimes when I want to tell you, things happen. It has been one year, throughout this one year, I realised that I still love you even though you sort of cheated me before. Even my friends said that I'm stupid to still loving you after all these and after one year. But what to do? You are my only love, no other people.

What should I do?

I got this mixed feeling, good and bad feeling. Couple of days ago, I dreamed about her, I remembered that dream very clearly. She finally said "yes", me and her finally got together as a couple. Not only that, I remembered that she kept repeating that she loves me, about 3 times. After that, I woke up. The moment I woke up, I was already in deep thinking mode. I scared it might be a premonition about bad stuff, but I also heard that dreams is a premonition about what's going to happen. I don't know, I really don't know. One thing's for sure, I really loves her, I really do. I never once love a girl so deeply, so deep that I don't put other girls in my mind nor my eye. She's the only one that gave me such strong feeling. I wanted to love her as much as infinite, I wanted to protect her from every harmful stuff. But, does she loves me too?

hm..

I felt happy just talking to you, I smile just by looking at you. Can we really become a pair?