After so many turns and merry go round....

After so many merry go rounds, I realised that it is you who I truly love and no one can ever replace that.

Idiotic decision

After watching the new "A chinese ghost story"(I will put on a review about this movie soon), I gave a lot of thinking about my relationship.

Ever since the meeting with salmon, I never thought that I will have such a strong feeling of love towards her. So strong that I can't shift that love to other girls that came into my life, before or after her.

I know salmon treated me as a brother and I treat her like a sister, like how we did that for the past. I realized that the feeling I had for her can never be a brother-sister love kind of love. I had been thinking about it, almost a year, whether I can shift that love to other girls or not. I realized it's not possible. I also thought about whether I should just leave her and put myself into other relationship, I also realized that I can't do that. All because the feeling is just way too strong for me to do so.

After watching the new "A chinese ghost story", one of the character inside actually spent almost the entire life protecting his lover who lost the memories about the guy. The feeling of love portrayed in that movie is very strong. So am I going to do that same thing too? Spending my whole life waiting for that slim chance of me being together with her, or to protect her from whatever harm that's coming into her way? To some people, I might have been overly matured, but in relationship, I am not. In fact, I could have said that I am very idiotic about it, I always make stupid decision and illogical decision. But since when love is smart and logical? I'm not sure how to put it, but I just hope that this love is a pure one. I'm making a very great amount of effort to make it a pure love between me and her, but most of the time, I think it's just me loving her. I don't know if she really think about the both of us...I think I will make that stupid decision, she's the only one for me and I'm making it that way. Even if we can't be together, I'm keeping her in my heart and protecting her from whatever.

perhaps....或许....

perhaps I still love you, waiting for you and willing to accept you even now....I don't know, am I an idiot to do so? May be I am willing to be an idiot for you only...?

爱一个人。。。

爱一个人好难，好累也好痛。周围的朋友不是成双成对的，就是已经有了心上人。我，一介武夫，立志成为一名导演的我，却没有女孩喜欢。很多朋友告诉我，要做个好导演，人生的任何一个经验都要有。我能说几乎什么经验都有，就是没谈过恋爱。

22岁的我，孤单的我，自从纹妤离开了我的人生，我仿佛失去了笑的能力。我的人生从新回到了无穷无尽的黑暗，回到了没有光明与希望的黑暗。朋友说我必须自己走出来，我曾经走出来过，但我是被打回黑暗的。我现在很希望喜欢的人能喜欢我，带我再次走出黑暗，得到希望与关怀，人生再次有光明，我会再次有笑的能力。。。看来这永远只能是个梦，一个实现不了的梦。。。

All the words that has been inside me

I'm seriously very tired, I always have problem to solve, difficult to face and no fruits after all the shit I had to go through. I hate myself being the one that always doing the work, I hate myself unable to talk, I hate myself unable to communicate and socialize. All these shouldn't be happening to me, but the situation proves me wrong. I don't have high expectation of my life, all I want is people to accept who I am. I just want to do the things that I like. 事与愿违，things really aren't going too well for me.

I am a person that been through hell that no one can ever thought out, I bet a lot of people are going to say there are worse hell than mine. I don't blame them, because they didn't go through the mental torture like mine. I blame myself for being weak, all these won't be here if I was strong back then. I grew up and matured faster than the kids of my age. The adults said it's good to have kids matured fast, more understanding towards parents. But that was in their view, in my view, I had lost friends, childhood and gain discrimination from the people of my age, this continues till now. Yes, all the early maturing does made me more well prepared for all the hell thrown at me in the future, but what I experienced now is all the discrimination and mis-understanding from the people of my age. Why? I just want to be accepted...

I never once had a girlfriend and no one believe me. People around my age had at least got attached once, but not me. Especially now being in NS, my NS friends asked me whether I had a girlfriend or even been in a relationship before or not, I said no and they don't believe. I know some of you might say "it's nothing, being single is good too", think again. I already don't have much friend and not many people understand me, if I had something happy or unhappy happened, who can I share to? The burden on my back had been so heavy that it's already crushing me, no one understand and willing to share my burden. I want to be in a relationship because I want to be happy for once, I want to share all my feeling, someone to care for me at least once. I'm not like those typical guy outside there, who seek sex in a relationship. To me, inner feeling is much more important that sex or whatever.

I just want to practice and learn more martial arts, it's a very simple wish. Just like people just want to jog, play basketball or swim, it's a passion. But for some reason, people disregard the people who practiced martial arts and treated them like some freak. Seriously, what's wrong with practicing martial arts? We are just a normal person that specialized in that area, but why are we labelled as freaks? Worse thing is even my own parents don't understand me and the passion of practicing martial arts. I seriously got tired of all these...

Sometime I just wish I was never born or I'm just all alone in the mountain and live there, no one to bother me and nothing to worry about...

Another sad chapter of my life

Nothing in my life is a good thing, all the shit thrown to me at all possible things. One thing that I don't have which is positive is financial problem, but that's all. I don't have anything that other people have. I got no childhood, no luck, no love, no career, nothing, I don't get donkey shit. Think I'm being negative, I summarize everything I had.

1) No childhood, never play or had fun with the children of my age.
2) Don't have friends until poly time(which is only positive things I had)
3) A lot of career opportunities slip through my fingers.
4) I got injured at the time when my name was up in the list of being a CCI
5) I never had a gf before and no one believes me.
6) The only girl I love treat me as a brother.
7) No one understands me.

So you think I'm being negative, think again. Yesterday just add on another chapter of sorrow and sadness to my life.

2011 is here

Today is the first day of 2011, let me get the greeting off the list first. Happy new year, wish everyone's wishes be granted and a smooth year ahead. Well, with that off the list, let's see what happened in 2010.

Positive encounters:
1) I got "promoted" from an assistant trainer to a trainer, which means I got higher pay.
2) My students like me, both from my work and martial art class.
3) Got another batch of students to learn martial arts.
4) Went to china and had my sight broaden.

negative encounters:
1) I got rejected by wen yu for the second time or may be the second and a half time. Although she did considered me before, but she still thinks I should be just a brother to her and there she goes, a sister and brother relationship.
2) My knee injury doesn't seems to recover as good as I though and I also was made to injured my meniscus to be so serious injured that I need to go for surgery.
3) My job was all over singapore, eating up my money to travel.
4) Unable to go for taekwondo tournament and my 2nd dan grading because I was going to enlist when I want to take part those 2 events.
5) Don't get to enjoy myself before my enlistment.
6) Sort in a depression when I got enlisted.

So that's all that happened in the year 2010, seems my life was pretty blend and also bad for the year 2010. Let's see what I hope to have during the year 2011.

1) Get enrolled into a uni and study the art of film.
2) Get a gf(I don't expect much about this already)
3) Get my leg recovered.
4) Go learn brazillian jujitsu and karate.
5) Go back to all my martial arts training.
6) Smooth ride for my NS life.

That's all for the first post in 2011, happy new year again.