Some negative feeling

There are times where I feel like giving up a lot of things. Love, money, status, everything. Call it aftermath or whatever, ever since the incident with josphine, I had a lot lesser confident in myself. I always feel that I can't do things right and heaven are telling me the same thing, I cannot do things right. Let's make an example of today's incident. 2 of my actors cannot make it to the shooting, one of them left to malaysia without tell me so, that really pissed me off. There are more to come, I couldn't find the battery for the camera, it's either I left it in the IG room or I lost it, hindering my process of the shooting. This doesn't ends here, I asked 3 person to help me out beind the camera, but all 3 of them couldn't come. So because of the battery problem, I have to wait till next week before I can get to shoot the video. The problem with the shooting is that dialogue scene don't take too long, but it is the action scene that will take the longest time of the shooting.

That is just the video shooting, there is more. After so many days of training, I've yet to be able to do a kip up, which is you jump back to your feet when you are lying flat on the ground with your back. I got real pissed off, why couldn't I do it. I got the feeling that I am on the air and it's just to raise my upper body and I can complete the action, but I just fall back on the ground. That's real bullshit.

When talking about love, that is where I'm afraid of. I'm afraid another reason like "I just want to be friend" or "I treat you like a brother to me". I cannot take another impact like that, I really cannot take it anymore. Sometime I'm still wonder is there really such thing as love for me(I'm referring to BGR)? I really don't know, may be the heaven are telling me "ok, you shouldn't go into BGR because we don't want you to." If that is the case, please let me born an idiot or something that will make me don't have any feeling. I don't want to go through the same hurtful words again and again, I cannot take it anymore and any longer. I rather go to shaolin and train there, never come back to singapore anymore.

*sigh, hope everything will turns out ok.