Recourse

whew, one more week and I'm done with recourse. Come to think of it, it's exactly one year since my surgery on my knee. It's not completely recover yet, but most of it was recovered already. But, not without any weird kind of after effects. Hope it doesn't affect my martial art journey in the future.

fluctuation

It's damn irritating to have fluctuation, 2 things in particular. My weight and my capabilities in martial arts.

My weight always go up and down, despite I did nothing to affect it. I eat normally, bowel movement still as good as ever, whole bunch of vitamins and other minerals. My weight still goes up and down, what is fucking wrong with my weight?

Then there is my martial arts standard. Sometime I can punch very fast, sometime the speed drops. I really hate that my punching speed drops. My kicking also fluctuates a lot, some time can be high and fast, some time it's just simply like shit.

Fuck! Please, stop fluctuating, I didn't do nothing to affect it, so just fucking stop.

May be I should...

May be I should finally put a full stop to everything I did and doing, let god do the judging and decisions. I'm not sure 100%, but I think from the stuff that I did and the sincerity, I think most girls will be touched, just don't know why it doesn't affect you one way or another. I decided, I'm just gonna be your friend, if fate exists and we are meant to be together, one day we will cross path again and walked together as a couple instead of a friend or brother/sister relationship.

For now, I'm just gonna stay focus on martial arts and prepare for my career and/or uni studies. I also realized I might be able to do the 360 spinning back hook, will continue to work on that. I also realized that my palm strikes are ridiculously stronger than my punches, gonna work on that and hope to develop something that suits me.

So long never do a movie review, hope will be able to fork out time to do a review soon.

Really, what should I do?

To tell the truth, I really thought through to give up on this and then wait for the right girl to appear. But who knows what lies ahead of me? I don't see myself to be as happy as other people, as in I won't have the happiness of being a boyfriend, husband, father or grandfather which most other guys outside there have the luxury to have. One very simple reason, my passion for martial arts had went beyond the level of hobby, it's part of my life. I even think that people can don't like me, hate me or betray me, but martial arts won't. I don't know if there's a girl outside there that accepts this life of mine, so far I also don't know wen yu will accept me or no, I wish she will, really wish... I guess I just continue to train, whether will there be a girl of my life to appear, I don't know...

武学是我的生命，但是我的生命却需要一个意义，这个意义，我还在寻找。。。真希望我生活上的意义就是她。。。。

武术界的悲哀

在现在的中国武术界，人人自己打自己，追求无谓的以武术作为金钱交易的产品，最糟的是很多年轻人练了实战性不大的现代武术。可能是1966年的文化革命，中国为了走进环球市场，把传统武功变成现代武术。现代武术几乎毫无实战价值，可悲的是年轻人都被现代武术的花招给蒙蔽了眼睛。在国际的武术界，中国武术被认为是废物武术，这也把低调的传统武术给扯进来。其实传统中国武术有非常强的实战性质，但被现代武术给盖过了光芒。我认为中国武术界应该有一个能站出来，把中国武功的实战性质带给全世界，让中国武术也能在全世界有一席之地。

一些所谓的武术名师其实也是因为他们把中国武术界搞地乌烟瘴气，把武术当成产品卖出去，一些老师的武术课可高达数百块一堂课。我认为这也是非常不当的。早期的武术名师，几乎都不向徒弟受学费，只是要徒弟把武功给传下去。其实武功/武术是华人的文化，是全球武术界的顶峰。但是这些害群之马把中国武术弄得乌烟瘴气，实在是悲哀啊。。。
中华武功竟然被人说得一无是处，这时更该有个武术大师出面，为中国武术争一口气。在这一百年间，有好多位武术宗师把中国武术让外国人闻风丧胆，又让外国人敬佩不已。叶问祖师，霍元甲前辈以及黄飞鸿前辈等等，都是把中国武术的实战能力展现出来。现在的中国武师只敢纸上谈兵，实战经验也不足，当然难和外国武术斗。就算有传统的武术名师，大多只练套路，不练实战，以致不了解很多招式的实战应用。

我认为现在的中国武术训练法应该要有更强的实战训练，散打并不算在内。因为散打不是武术，是类似拳击的运动，一种取他人之长，补己之短的运动。散打甚至可能取他人之短，补己之长， 这就已经失去了中国武术的特色。当然，散打的实战性能是不容置疑的，但是你在街上使用散打，没人看得出是中国武术。

虽然有电影人把武术搬上荧幕，使中国武术无人不晓，但也有人误解了中国武术的真正性质。武术始终是技击的方法，没有技击法的武术不能称之为武术，只能叫舞术，这也是武术界的悲哀啊。。。

what has the world come to??

这个世道是怎么了？

当男人花心时，女人老是投怀送抱，让自己受到伤害。
当男人真心一片的时候，女人却避而远之，伤害男人。
当男人心已死时，女人才发现男人真的是爱着女人，但男人心已死，不想再爱，双方受伤害。

如果双方都爱着彼此，为什么要玩 hard-to-get 的游戏？让双方猜个不停，双方却又不坦白说出答案？我不知道她爱我吗，但是我非常爱她，也不会玩hard-to-get的游戏。她呢？我不知道，她好像很喜欢玩hard-to-get。不管多久，我都会爱她，只爱她一个。

What is happening to this world?

When the man are flirting with every girl he met, the girl always like to give in and then got hurt by such flirting man.
When the man only love the particular girl, the girl always avoid and hurt the man instead.
When the man already gave up on love, the girl realized that the man truly love her, returned and then both party got hurt.

If both party love each other, why play hard-to-get game? Letting each other to guess non-stop and avoid to say out the real intention or the true answer. I'm not sure whether she loves me or not, but I'm very sure that I loves her. I won't play hard to get and certainly will be there for her no matter what happens. For her? I'm not sure whether she loves me or not, but she sure like to play hard to get. No matter what, I loves her and her only.

Sudden thoughts

Don't know why, suddenly I don't feel the need of love in my life any more, since no girls really give a shit about how I felt. So that means my life only will have training, fights and career. Actually not that bad either, can concentrate on what I want to do.

Really don't know where to voice this out but here

*sigh, amazing that after 3 years, I'm still stuck at loving you. Most guy would have given up in 3 months, although there is a side track, but I lasted 3 years. All these years, I had been waiting for you and still waiting. I don't know why, I just believe that you are the only one for me. I don't see in the future, me being with other girls. I held that strong will for 3 years, although it's tiring, but I'm still holding onto it...

After so many turns and merry go round....

After so many merry go rounds, I realised that it is you who I truly love and no one can ever replace that.

Idiotic decision

After watching the new "A chinese ghost story"(I will put on a review about this movie soon), I gave a lot of thinking about my relationship.

Ever since the meeting with salmon, I never thought that I will have such a strong feeling of love towards her. So strong that I can't shift that love to other girls that came into my life, before or after her.

I know salmon treated me as a brother and I treat her like a sister, like how we did that for the past. I realized that the feeling I had for her can never be a brother-sister love kind of love. I had been thinking about it, almost a year, whether I can shift that love to other girls or not. I realized it's not possible. I also thought about whether I should just leave her and put myself into other relationship, I also realized that I can't do that. All because the feeling is just way too strong for me to do so.

After watching the new "A chinese ghost story", one of the character inside actually spent almost the entire life protecting his lover who lost the memories about the guy. The feeling of love portrayed in that movie is very strong. So am I going to do that same thing too? Spending my whole life waiting for that slim chance of me being together with her, or to protect her from whatever harm that's coming into her way? To some people, I might have been overly matured, but in relationship, I am not. In fact, I could have said that I am very idiotic about it, I always make stupid decision and illogical decision. But since when love is smart and logical? I'm not sure how to put it, but I just hope that this love is a pure one. I'm making a very great amount of effort to make it a pure love between me and her, but most of the time, I think it's just me loving her. I don't know if she really think about the both of us...I think I will make that stupid decision, she's the only one for me and I'm making it that way. Even if we can't be together, I'm keeping her in my heart and protecting her from whatever.

perhaps....或许....

perhaps I still love you, waiting for you and willing to accept you even now....I don't know, am I an idiot to do so? May be I am willing to be an idiot for you only...?

爱一个人。。。

爱一个人好难，好累也好痛。周围的朋友不是成双成对的，就是已经有了心上人。我，一介武夫，立志成为一名导演的我，却没有女孩喜欢。很多朋友告诉我，要做个好导演，人生的任何一个经验都要有。我能说几乎什么经验都有，就是没谈过恋爱。

22岁的我，孤单的我，自从纹妤离开了我的人生，我仿佛失去了笑的能力。我的人生从新回到了无穷无尽的黑暗，回到了没有光明与希望的黑暗。朋友说我必须自己走出来，我曾经走出来过，但我是被打回黑暗的。我现在很希望喜欢的人能喜欢我，带我再次走出黑暗，得到希望与关怀，人生再次有光明，我会再次有笑的能力。。。看来这永远只能是个梦，一个实现不了的梦。。。

All the words that has been inside me

I'm seriously very tired, I always have problem to solve, difficult to face and no fruits after all the shit I had to go through. I hate myself being the one that always doing the work, I hate myself unable to talk, I hate myself unable to communicate and socialize. All these shouldn't be happening to me, but the situation proves me wrong. I don't have high expectation of my life, all I want is people to accept who I am. I just want to do the things that I like. 事与愿违，things really aren't going too well for me.

I am a person that been through hell that no one can ever thought out, I bet a lot of people are going to say there are worse hell than mine. I don't blame them, because they didn't go through the mental torture like mine. I blame myself for being weak, all these won't be here if I was strong back then. I grew up and matured faster than the kids of my age. The adults said it's good to have kids matured fast, more understanding towards parents. But that was in their view, in my view, I had lost friends, childhood and gain discrimination from the people of my age, this continues till now. Yes, all the early maturing does made me more well prepared for all the hell thrown at me in the future, but what I experienced now is all the discrimination and mis-understanding from the people of my age. Why? I just want to be accepted...

I never once had a girlfriend and no one believe me. People around my age had at least got attached once, but not me. Especially now being in NS, my NS friends asked me whether I had a girlfriend or even been in a relationship before or not, I said no and they don't believe. I know some of you might say "it's nothing, being single is good too", think again. I already don't have much friend and not many people understand me, if I had something happy or unhappy happened, who can I share to? The burden on my back had been so heavy that it's already crushing me, no one understand and willing to share my burden. I want to be in a relationship because I want to be happy for once, I want to share all my feeling, someone to care for me at least once. I'm not like those typical guy outside there, who seek sex in a relationship. To me, inner feeling is much more important that sex or whatever.

I just want to practice and learn more martial arts, it's a very simple wish. Just like people just want to jog, play basketball or swim, it's a passion. But for some reason, people disregard the people who practiced martial arts and treated them like some freak. Seriously, what's wrong with practicing martial arts? We are just a normal person that specialized in that area, but why are we labelled as freaks? Worse thing is even my own parents don't understand me and the passion of practicing martial arts. I seriously got tired of all these...

Sometime I just wish I was never born or I'm just all alone in the mountain and live there, no one to bother me and nothing to worry about...

Another sad chapter of my life

Nothing in my life is a good thing, all the shit thrown to me at all possible things. One thing that I don't have which is positive is financial problem, but that's all. I don't have anything that other people have. I got no childhood, no luck, no love, no career, nothing, I don't get donkey shit. Think I'm being negative, I summarize everything I had.

1) No childhood, never play or had fun with the children of my age.
2) Don't have friends until poly time(which is only positive things I had)
3) A lot of career opportunities slip through my fingers.
4) I got injured at the time when my name was up in the list of being a CCI
5) I never had a gf before and no one believes me.
6) The only girl I love treat me as a brother.
7) No one understands me.

So you think I'm being negative, think again. Yesterday just add on another chapter of sorrow and sadness to my life.

2011 is here

Today is the first day of 2011, let me get the greeting off the list first. Happy new year, wish everyone's wishes be granted and a smooth year ahead. Well, with that off the list, let's see what happened in 2010.

Positive encounters:
1) I got "promoted" from an assistant trainer to a trainer, which means I got higher pay.
2) My students like me, both from my work and martial art class.
3) Got another batch of students to learn martial arts.
4) Went to china and had my sight broaden.

negative encounters:
1) I got rejected by wen yu for the second time or may be the second and a half time. Although she did considered me before, but she still thinks I should be just a brother to her and there she goes, a sister and brother relationship.
2) My knee injury doesn't seems to recover as good as I though and I also was made to injured my meniscus to be so serious injured that I need to go for surgery.
3) My job was all over singapore, eating up my money to travel.
4) Unable to go for taekwondo tournament and my 2nd dan grading because I was going to enlist when I want to take part those 2 events.
5) Don't get to enjoy myself before my enlistment.
6) Sort in a depression when I got enlisted.

So that's all that happened in the year 2010, seems my life was pretty blend and also bad for the year 2010. Let's see what I hope to have during the year 2011.

1) Get enrolled into a uni and study the art of film.
2) Get a gf(I don't expect much about this already)
3) Get my leg recovered.
4) Go learn brazillian jujitsu and karate.
5) Go back to all my martial arts training.
6) Smooth ride for my NS life.

That's all for the first post in 2011, happy new year again.